When I was younger, a boy asked me if I loved him. He stood near me, his face was in between vulnerable and hopeful, but his voice was soft, and sincere.
Caught off guard, I could do nothing at the time, but shrug and turn away. In my nervousness, I think I had even chuckled. And then left.
Harsh?
Maybe not.
Two years before that, I had told him that I did. And he said, "Thank you." And eventually left.
And though it was sad (and equivalent to the pain of a thousand repeatedly breaking hearts in your body all at once)...I had thought that was that.
---
So when he asked again, expecting a yes...I ran. Something in me had feared facing the pain of a thousand break hearts, and did not want to do so again so soon.
If it happened before, it might happen again.
Yet, I was sad...because the pain had not taught me the lesson it meant to teach me then. It was replaced with the fear that losing out on the good thing that might have been. Will I ever be brave enough to be that vulnerable again, though?
Sorry, Mum's feeling a bit emotional tonight after having listened to this song. The lesson learned is this...Timing is a very big factor in the already intricate matrix of relationships. Sometimes you have to be ready for the fact that you might not be on the same page with someone, and not even at the same pace.
It's either you let it go, or you fix it. Put the factors together, and make the stars align.
(Or not.)
The hard thing there is that you can't do it alone...and for every choice you make, there will be consequences.
I wish you the fortitude you need for when you get to this stage in your life, Sammy. You'll need it.
(And I hope someday you'll say, "Bravery and a strong will? Oh, I got that from my Momma." ;-)
Love,
S.
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